HEALTHY AND UNHEALTHY COMMUNICATION

Therapy is often used to think about communication patterns.  What is your communication style? Is it different with your partner and with others?  Most couples have communication patterns that serve them well or otherwise.  During arguments or disagreements do you attack, criticise,  pre-empt, retreat, appease?  Can you separate feeling from thought when angry?

HEALTHY AND UNHEALTHY COMMUNICATION

Do you avoid discussion or initiate discussion?

Can you self validate or do you need validation from your partner?

Can you regulate your own anxiety or do you expect reassurance from your partner?

Can you maintain your own sense of self worth or do you depend on your partner to do that?

Can you self soothe or do you depend upon your partner to calm you?

Does a fear of abandonment ever influence your responses or communication patterns?

Do you disclose only what your partner will validate? Or disclose whatever you want.

Can you regulate your emotions and control your behaviour during conflict?

Do you take ‘time out’ for repair or rescheduling or are you withdrawing, walking out or sulking?

Are you able to explain a feeling without blame?

Are you able to keep commitments?  Give clear messages? Clarify expectations? Sincerely apologise? Take responsibility for your feelings and actions?

SEPARATION FROM A CHILD’S PERSPECTIVE

SEPARATION FROM A CHILD’S PERSPECTIVE

WHAT YOUR CHILD NEEDS NEXT:

My dear parents,

You’ve decided to separate and will be living in separate houses now. I’m very young and there’s a lot of things I don’t understand yet.

It would help me so much if you let me:-

• Love and like both of you.

• Enjoy time with both of you separately.

• See you coming together to my school concerts, activities and parent evenings.

• Move without stress from one house to another.

• Be your child. I’m not your confidante, friend or therapist.

It upsets me and makes me feel bad if you:-

• Say horrible things about the other to me.

• Talk to me about money.

• Ask me loads of questions about my time with mum/dad.

• Argue in front of me or when I can hear.

• Ask me to keep secrets or to lie.

• Interrogate me about new partners.

• Ask me to make decisions that I’m too young to make.

Please free me from:-

• Passing on messages between you.

• Thinking I have to protect you. It’s your job to protect me.

• Feeling guilty. Adult decisions are your responsibility not mine.

• Being a referee or a mediator.

With love from,

Your child

HOW TO COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY IN A RELATIONSHIP

Are you on the receiving or giving side of the following communication styles ……?

Critical – verbally attacking partner’s personality, behaviour, character.

Contemptuous – deeper than criticism. Attacking partner’s self worth, self confidence with intent to hurt.

Defensiveness – trying to reverse blame, victimising yourself.

Stonewalling – withdrawing as a way of avoiding difficult situations or demonstrating disapproval. 

Therapy can help adjust unhelpful communication patterns and think more about:

• Expressing yourself using ‘I’ statements and clarifying what you want and need without criticism.

• Avoiding mixed messages.

• Appreciating your partner’s good qualities. 

• Taking responsibility for your part in any conflict and apologising when in the wrong.

•  Taking a break, self soothing, calming and paying attention to ‘timing’ of difficult conversations. Being conscious of the difference between this and avoidance.

•  Reducing over reactions when anxious or upset. 

• Holding on to a clear sense of self and tolerating discomfort.